Hey, Guy, I was in a channel one night (and private at that), and I had my remote control for my television come up missing... and NEVER got it back!!! I hate to agree with you, but you're probably right about not ever getting it back :(... I've been watching you for some time, and I really can't understand why anyone would take your wallet.. like you said, from a simlin' guy! What's the BBS world comin' to!?
Channings

Hi, Guy! I know the name here doesn't look familiar at all, but we've talked before. It's me! Cyclin Kid! Heh heh. Listen, I read your message Tuesday morning around 2am about Roswell. The reason I'm sending this message is I'm very interested in things like that. Actually, I'm interested in everything from UFOs to the supernatural to information held by the government that should be released. I am looking for people to associate with who have the same interests as me. Let me know how you feel about this please. It's really hard and unwise to openly discuss this subject with just anyone, and I feel like you are sincere about it. If you aren't and meant it as a joke, then I'm sorry to bother you, but like I said... you seem to be fairly into this kind of thing also. See you 'round.

I have also been studying the very important correlation to chicken, road, and u.f.o. and have discovered some important information that I think we as a people need to know. After I tell you this, you and all who read this must immediately kill this msg and tell NO ONE of what you have seen here today. Get this: First, the government has been performing top secret experiments on a certain breed of chicken...Norectus Meliphiladan...also known as The "Suicide Chicken". This chicken is a very rare species and is native to Istanbul (not Constantinople..?sp?) and this is the breed that originated the chicken crossing the road joke. It seems that a devout Englishman named Donald was staring out his window one day when he saw Norectus Meliphiladan walking in the middle of the street. He was quite surprised that a chicken had the balls to do this, and thought to himself, "Why the devil is that chicken crossing the street?". He took another drink of scotch and declared, "By George to get to the other side!" He laughed for a few minutes then sent it to Kellogs to put in a little joke booklet which would be placed in a box of cereal for the consumer to enjoy. Then suddenly, without warning, he died. That is the history of the joke. In addition, the government is covering up the entire chicken experimentation thing, so I actually have no proof or any knowledge of this event, however, I feel there must be something they are hiding, otherwise, they would come right out and say they are not involved with this top secret research. Not once have I heard them even acknowledge the existance of Norectus Meliphiladan, so it leads me to believe that it has something to do with outer space technology, as they are not acknowledging u.f.o.'s either.

Anybody out there lookin for a triple-coil manifest? I got one to align to almost any compatible single-coil, and the high-end ratio delivers a solid 27% increase overall. The problems with the dual-coil are now obsolete, as well as the "stuttering" problems introduced with the old triple-coil, as the manufacturing has been completely redesigned to accomodate the most complex of systematic parameters. The new triple-coil is a stand-alone system, and has been proven to outperform the small I-29 modules, with significant emphasis on the speed and performance of the old dual 353's, but accelerates the diptherium prefix to approximately 5000 g.e.d.'s. I hope NO ONE expects to see the BFG 2.0 come back into mainstream, as they are ill to the well being of the individual consumer. Some fatalities have been linked to such, and it would be a shame to see that product reintroduced into the marketplace. If you have any interest in establishing a good, solid foundation on which to build, I have 28 left. The price is reasonable, and who can put a price on your child's safety, as they count on you to deliver the safety of a bulldozer, as well as the comfort of a feather drifting into the bedroom on a cool summer night. Think about it, then email me at Smiley dot com, and I will answer any questions you might have about this outrageously low-priced safety device which will keep you safe from the pitfalls of anguish and/or despair for many years to come. Love, peace and liberty....Guy Smilin dude

Well, bidness is kinder slow, so I thawt I wood put anudder addvertizemint here fer my wares. If u nede enneetheng, u can reech me at Smiley dot com:

## Diss Weeks Speshells ##
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

** Slitelee used, bent nails (can b ezellee stratend wit a hammer and 2 by 4)
== only $14.21 a duzzen pluss taks ==

** Screwdriver wit handell missing (can rap tape around bare meddell to
prevent blissters)
== 2 fer $13.53 pluss taks ==

** And Guy's best-seller, SPLINTERWOOD (can b eezellee tranzformmed into
werld-class toothpiks) Now at a noo lo prise...
== $2.49 purr skware insh ==

Pleez bi mi wares. Kwalletty at Disscownt Prisses. Sail prisses gud throo Wenzda.

Mr. Com, please send send me 17 dozen of these fine nails; no taks, though, please... got plenty already. Please send 3 of the screwdrivers... do you have the tape also? Need about 29 rolls of it, please, sir. I have lived in Texas all my life, and I've been looking for quality SPLINTERWOOD for years! Is this the high grade stuff, or will I have to do a lot of chiseling on it to make it really good stuff? If it's the good stuff, please send me 2 square inches Use my PO no. PPS-0434-950426-98348-331144, and ship via "best way" ASAP. Thanks for posting the ad.... I was beginning to worry that I was going to have to shell out big bucks at Paymore Trashways... thanks for coming to the rescue. You don't have my address, so get it here the best way you know how.
---
þ MR/2 2.0 NR þ Escort GT - An oxymoron.

Hi. Does anyone have a fork I can borrow? I'll give it right back after I perform a certain task that I am too proud to tell you about. It involves a dash of prying, accompanied by 2 cups of agony. I will rinse it off before it's returned to yer hand and mouth. Thank you for your fork. (a spoon is more painful, but okay if that's all you got..no knives please) Guy outta dinnerware

Mr. Smiley, I am tired of your messages. I am tired of your hokus-pokus. I am tired of your shenanigans. I am tired of your insults. I am tired of your "humor". I am tired of you jumping into the water without testing it first to see if you will create a wave of despair. I am tired of your post-apocalyptic death parade, with hot-air filled Bullwinkles and Underdogs that will explode at your command. I am tired of your smile. I am tired of your Sesame Street referenced handle. I am tired of your calling me up in the middle of the damn night to ask me "why I'm not asleep at this hour". I am tired of your hoodlum behavior. I am tired of you and I hope you find Christ someday besides saying that "I found Christ, and he was under my bed the whole damn time.." That is a direct quote from you, sir, and I do not think it is appropriate. Are you playing "hide and go seek" with Christ? Believe me, sir, that is NOT a game you want to play. Straighten up, Mr. Smiley, or you'll get your britches burned from the wrong end of a flaming torch in Hell, with Satan grinning as he pulls your shorts down. Orville Yokum, V.I.P.

"Orville", While your composition truly evokes an eerily surreal sense of poetic metaphor, (I especially like the "hot-air filled Bullwinkles and Underdogs that will explode at your command" BRILLIANT!) I MUST protest Underdogs that will explode at your command" BRILLIANT!) I MUST protest Underdogs that will explode at your command" BRILLIANT!) I MUST protest the contradictory overall content of Eternal Damnation by our Blessed Saviour and your lack of forebearance commanded of you by aforementioned Saviour. As "Laughter does the heart good, as a medicine..", I personally see nothing objectionable in Senor Smiley's dementia. But then I'm me... (PS I like your cousin Dwight's music) Whistling in the Apocalypse....

Yer Welcome.

Guy Smilin Dude

Woe to the inhabiters of the earth and of the sea! for the devil is come down unto you, having great wrath, because he knoweth that he hath but a short time. -Revelation 12:12

Guy Smilin Dude

P.S.- Call me (winkie winkie)

Guy Smilin Dude!!!

Tanx fer yer help on dat der Doom stuff. Yer a perty kewl ole Dawg. I will still kill ye someday, tho. HA!

Guy der Smilin Doodstein

Da more garbage peeples writes about ye, da bedder..at least it gives me da sense dat I am not all alone! Join da friggin club, Helio! (and please enjoy to da fullest!) Hardy Har Ha! I will chat with any bastard any day of da friggin week, because (sob sob) I am a REAL friggin bastard! But peeples love ta hate me! Day kinder need someone ta spit on sometimes, and I got my mouth wide open (fer der spittle- no gay stuff, you homosexual bastard) Eat shit and rot in Hell,

Luv, Pees, and Homony

Guy Der B Da Smilin Dude

Details to follow...

Sgt Guy Smuelette~ III, 2nd Version Dos Implications exist...

(c) 1995 Similar Bastards Outta-Line, Inc.

My, my, my! You sure have been a BAD boy! Have you forgotton what I do to bad boys? Maybe the last time was not harsh enough. This time I will not listen to your pleas or your promises to behave. Its too late for that! When I get thru with you Mister, you will NEVER be bad again. Pull down your britches and end over. Prepare for the spanking you deserve!

How come the chocolicious thimble always rotate near da bottom of da box? Seems would improve product quality if the chocolicious thimble hovered near da top seal of da box...Maybe it's just me...Nah..it's you too...you just won't admit itGuy ber da Constipotato Longfellow IV, 3rd obstruction

Chippers Gore to ye

I prefer to use "Terminal" as my comm program of choice. It is quite user-friendly, and the options are endless. You literally can use your imagination to make it do anything you want. Since it comes with Windows, you don't have to go through the trouble of pullin yer pants back up and drivin 2 hours to the local "Ace Electronic Gadgets and Gizmos" store to have them order Procomm or any of these other new-fangled software pkgs, wait 4-6 weeks for it to be delivered, then pay the surcharge of $9.99 for special ordering, and finally come home only to find out that Mr. Ace accidently ordered "Terminal" instead of Procomm anyway. You woulda saved yerself a lot of trouble if you woulda stuck with Terminal in the first place. But no...don't listen to a Smilin Guy with his pants pulled down tryin to give you advice.
Guy bre der Snigloite~ Folsomnasity (TM)

Dawger! (stimpyish:) Wake up man! You got to snap out of it man! I can help you. Here is a .Wav file that will help you..large file, but is worth it...remember me? It's Guy! Remember? The Guy you can always rely on!

Attached File: DAWG.ZIP Size: 3,620,387 (Steve's note: .wav file is Dr.
Demento's "My name is not Merv Griffin")

Attached File: HELP.LOG Size: 268

(Steve's note: The "attached file" (above) was a txt file calling
him an a-hole or something)

1) You may end up downloading a file attachment that could be up to 4 megs large! (and by the way, Channing, what speed you got yer modem set to? 9600? Takes me 2 minutes per meg TOPS, and that's when there's a lot of line noise!
Channing, they also have COLOR monitors nowadays! Jeez!)

2) If yer too busy to read yer mail while yer here online, slow down, whiz kid!

3) If you want to save yer mail fer memories, get a friggin life, Poindexter!

And finally, the last reason I strongly recommend NOT downloading mail packets:

4) A lot of BBS's must have a ground wire stuck in the earth to prevent users from being electrocuted via keyboard sparks when logging on to a BBS. I have heard tales that the ground wire may actually receive signals from the dead, and cross lines with a normal BBS line, sending the signal to the BBS Hard Drive, where the signal is translated from electronic signal to word, just the same as the computer translates a keyboard signal. The resulting message is usually a bunch of garbage, however, responding to one of these messages could cause a rift through time and space, thus causing an outer-dimensional being to force its way into our world and swallow your soul.

Goikum der Smelfish da toid (III)

Brrr...is it cold in here er is it just me?

I am using the 50,750 from Quantum Physics, Inc...right now retails fer $450.00, and is a stand-alone unit. Got dual exhaust and
triple-polished helium-alloy headers, bypass via external "vomit" tubing to prevent mercury spill...soon to revolutionize the way the universe communicates,...already used in transfer of major motion pictures to independent distributors. Test product..not in mainstream America now...testing to continue in Japan and Korea...so far, no bugs, except slight "crying" noise when downloading 200 megs or greater....some small smoke excretion...Guy Barbarillo...tweek

G ... General information
D ... Directory of users in Registry
("D!" to start at the beginning)
Y ... Edit YOUR entry
L ... Look-up another user's entry

Select an option (G,D,Y,L,X, or ? for menu): l

Enter User-ID to look-up or X to exit: Guy smiley

Ok, here's the info for Guy Smiley...

Full Name ....... Guy Pee Smiley
Aliases ......... Louis Pumpernickle
City/State ...... State= Drunken
Age ............. Doesn't matter Sex ............ 12"
Occupation ...... Mass Grave Bulldozin Martial Status . Blackbelt (martial?)
E-Mail Addresses:
Education ....... Huh? Hometown ....... The Hood
Children ........ piss me off Fav Movie ...... Nunzio(about retard)
Fav Music ....... Hard Rock Fav Food ....... Bile
Fav Sport ....... Disembowelment Fav TV Show .... Life Goes On
Term ............ Life w/o Parole BBS owned ...... Silly Willy's
Other Adresses .. Sir, Mr. Smiley, Friggin Jerk, A-Hole
BBSs used ....... Poopdeck Pappy's, Jobe Sutherland's Sex Hole
Likes ........... I enjoy movies and t.v. shows about the mentally retarded.
Dislikes ........ OK..Where the hell you want me to begin?
Hobbies ......... Smoking crack on a warm summer's night
Physical Desc ... 7'8" red-haired Chinaman w/nipple rings & hook fer hand
General Info .... Guy Pee Smiley Summary: I know who you are & I saw what you did

D'Devil.....

As some of you might have noticed, and some of you may not have (though sub-conciously it has registered even in yer brains), I have evolved into the new AH BBS system, thanks to the Sysop Gods, who I am very dear friends with. (Privie note to Sysop: Please ignore the last comment- I am just trying to make it sound like I know you and have some kinda inside pull. (no gay stuff) Also, please delete this privie note to you so the others don't know that I am lying to them. Thank you.)
I have come back because:

5) I had to check out the new sys
4) To stifle the cries and wimpers of the peeples I used to chat with...they interfere with me brainwaves on channel 17
3) I only had a month sub left from the old sys, and figgered..what da hell..I may as well try to piss off some more peeples to add to my decapitated head collection
2) I wanted to confuse meself silly with the new sys, for my own personal pain/pleasure threshold. I can't figger out these new-fangled computerized gadgets and gizmos
And the #1 reason I came back:

Lou Ferrigno ran out of cotton swabs.

(applause) (applause)

Amazin and thank you.

Verbose Guy Squirrely and his wanderin band of thugs

Hello. I am a new user to this BBS, and I am quite stupid. Can anyone tell me what to do when I want to? Can someone hold my hand and walk me through the promised land? Can somebody (somebody) somebody (somebody) find me somebody to love? Can you beat a wooden cat with a stick? Will it feel the pain er will it suffer an inexplicable Hell of its own? Will the smell of nail polish kill the bugs within the jar you are holding them captive? Will the president of the United States of America begin to charge the streetwalkers for rent under his Federally constructed gymnasium? Will there ever be an answer to the problem of clippin yer toenails and tryin to collect them off the damn carpet? I suppose if you clipped the toenails in front of the president of the United States of America, you would be charged for his holiness to watch by the second, as much as $59,635.03. And then he would want you to supply your own food for his consumption. Then he might excrete a small amount of spittle upon your favorite tie, so everytime you wear that tie, you would smell his spittle. I think these might be some ideas of which you could ponder, and construct small discussion groups amongst yerselves to try and come up with some reasonable solutions, for I am fed up...Yes I am...with this and that and all the underground red-tape in the bush...I guess the bush part isn't bad, but the red-tape needs to be extracted like a cancerous wart in the nasal passage of those who do, and those who feel they would rather not. Thank you. Andy Rooney V.I.P.

Welcome back.
Your dreams were your ticket out.
Welcome back.
To that same old place that you laughed about.
Well the names have all changed since you hung around.
But those dreams have remained and they've turned around.
Who'da thought they'd lead ya
(who'da thought they'd lead ya)
Back here where we need ya
(back here where we need ya)
Ya..I tease you a lot cuz I got you on the spot.
Welcome back.
Welcome back, Welcome back, Welcome back.
Welcome back, Welcome back, Wel-come-ba-ck...

Welcome back, Guy Smilin Dude..we all love you and need you to comfort us in
our desperate times of need.

The Chatters of Grenwich

Figs are here
Figs are there
Figs are in your blood

Figs squeeze cheese
Figs drip gore
Figs rule your mind

Figs are dancing
Figs romancing
Figs are your future

Figs smell good
Figs taste well
Figs put on a show

Figs don't care
If no one's there
To enjoy their fireworks show

Figs got the keys
to your company car
Figs gonna take advantage

Figs grab the last beer in the fridge
Figs drink it in front of you
while you tell Figs how great it is

Figs take your shopping list
and Figs put it through the shredder
Figs laugh and take your coupons too

Figs call your house late at night
and ask why you are awake at this hour

Figs put super glue on your toilet seat
and videotape your sticky butt
trying to get up from the porcelain

Figs steal your mail and replace it
with their own versions of
what they think you ought to be receiving

Amazin and Thank you.

Guy Smerlette~ the 1st and only

Yer Welcum

Gesture Fester Smoilette~

>>> The Amazing Flimbone <<<
~~~ ~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~
* Brought to you by Pancho's Roach Villa, just under the viaduct on the south-east corner of Espanol and Selena...Los Eatos Mucho Suave~

Today's story opens with a scene of a crapload of tree stumps, as far as the human eye can possibly focus. A young Flimbone stands short, contemplating the landscape, as if some kind of evil calliope music were dancin in his brain. And one single thought enters his mindscape..the words "my terrior's less tenacious.." He picks a fully-decayed shrimp shell from his bicuspid as he gropes at his crotch. "Ayep..this is the spot to begin my journey, for today is forever and tomorrow nay cometh.", so spaketh the unbecomin Flimbone. "Twice have I pondered the challenge, and once have I been distraught, but nay further, for I shall furrow this great land with me own hand and a porta-potty." So the Amazing Flimbone went back to his adobe hut and put on his work sandals. He also took a shit, but I chose to leave that part out of the tale. As he walked back out into the vast tree stump jungle, a tiny gnat attached itself to his upper lip. Acting quickly, the Amazing Flimbone spit and sent the gnat whirling through the air. The spittle landed some ten paces away on the adobe breakfast nook. Flimbone walked over to wipe the spittle up with the palm of his hand when he noticed the gnat struggling to free itself from the green bubble of mucus. As he stared at this dramatic work, he heard a tiny voice say "Help me!" "Help me?", Flimbone muttered to himself. "Help me?" "Yes, help me ye friggin bastard!", uttered the relentless cry of the tiny insect form. "Help you what?", questioned the astonished Flimbone. "Help me break this mucus bubble so I may be set free.", replied the entrapped, helpless mite. "The truth will set you free, my tiny friend.", stated Flimbone. And with that, the Amazin Flimbone slammed his fist upon the spittle, sending the small speaking gnat into its white-tunnels and kaleidoscopes of the afterlife, thus giving the gnat the freedom he really deserved, for it was THAT which the gnat truly requested under its utters and moans. This was realized by the Amazing Flimbone, and that's how the Amazing Flimbone got his name...not fer the self-righteous acts of purifyin the land of tree stumps. And so it was written and so it was wrote. Stay tuned fer the World Wrestling Federation...the WWF..

"You bored? SLIP INTO A SLIM JIM!"

Yer Welcum.

(c) 1995 Guy Smelber Pod

$ Chippers Gore and Pees on Earth to ye $

Guy Schwa Schmiltzenheimer Schmidt