Guy Smiley Chat
Date: 02-25-95 (22:09)
Subj: $20.00
Hello, all you peeples out there...
I am just a lil disappointed at someone who was here last night. I came on here with $20.00 in my wallet...when I logged off, I found that the $20.00 had been stolen, along with my wallet....I am blaming no one..I have a pretty good idear who took it,'s not the can have wallet has a lot of personal stuff in it, tho...So, I decided to close my eyes, and whoever stole it, place it in my ? asked....I am really ashamed at the fact that a guy...esp a Smilin Guy can't come to a BBS to have a good time without something like this happening...I don't blame the BBS...I just think we got some rotten apples out there who spoil the fun for everyone (!!!) ...Thanks for reading this...I doubt I'll get my wallet back, but just want to bring this to the attention of all U' hand on the keyboard..the other on yer wallet! Peace, luv-n-harmony to all...even to the bastard who took my wallet!
Guy Smiley (even in the face of theft!)
Date: 02-26-95 (20:56)
Subj: $20.00

Hey, Guy, I was in a channel one night (and private at that), and I had my remote control for my television come up missing... and NEVER got it back!!! I hate to agree with you, but you're probably right about not ever getting it back :(... I've been watching you for some time, and I really can't understand why anyone would take your wallet.. like you said, from a simlin' guy! What's the BBS world comin' to!?

Date: 03-05-95 (04:30)
Subj: Roswell Facts
    On a recent trip to roswell,new mexico, I discovered the secret that our so called government has been hiding from us. The secret lies within an ancient transcript contained within a forbidden piece of evil literature. The document is known as Necronomican Exmortus, otherwise known to most as "the book of the dead". The book serves as a passageway to the evil worlds beyond, inked in human blood, as the cover itself is of human flesh. Keys to other dimensions lie within these transcripts, as well as historical evil events that took place in the past as well as the future. This book was written by the dark ones during a stone henge blood festival during the third full moon of the equidus meridious equinox. There are only a few known passageways to these other worlds. There are only two known books in existence, one containing the necessary pages to torment the evil ones safely. One known route to one of these other dimensions is located in
southwestern Nevada. There is a two lane road that will break through this world to another. If you make it there and have car problems, see a gentleman by the name of Besil. Besil is the one with the fancy red car and the little kid. If a dude on a motorcycle tries to stop you, just keep going or blast him with a powerful shotgun. Sometimes, shooting out the eye of these demons with a shotgun will free you of their torment. You might want to stock up on beer and dip before you journey into these worlds and dimensions as these places don't usually sell this stuff. Also, you might want to bring along a chainsaw, as these crazed demons don't fare very well against them. The decapitation of the head is the only protection against some of these posessed mutants. Well, what does all this have to do with Roswell? Roswell is a demon infested nest of hell bats waiting to suck the blood clean out of every honest tax paying american like you and I who give all of our money way to lazy bums who buy dope and sit on their butts.
Subj: Roswell

Hi, Guy! I know the name here doesn't look familiar at all, but we've talked before. It's me! Cyclin Kid! Heh heh. Listen, I read your message Tuesday morning around 2am about Roswell. The reason I'm sending this message is I'm very interested in things like that. Actually, I'm interested in everything from UFOs to the supernatural to information held by the government that should be released. I am looking for people to associate with who have the same interests as me. Let me know how you feel about this please. It's really hard and unwise to openly discuss this subject with just anyone, and I feel like you are sincere about it. If you aren't and meant it as a joke, then I'm sorry to bother you, but like I said... you seem to be fairly into this kind of thing also. See you 'round.

Date: 03-09-95 (03:00)
Subj: Q. Why did the chicken cross the road?
A. The motivation was most likely psychological in nature. He or she was in a deep depression about the fact that chickens play out a shallow existance simply to gratify the appetites of tyrannical human beings. Suicide by speeding vehicle may have seemed the only way out of this tortured "life". Many expert psychologists tend to agree with this theory. The brilliant and esteemed psychologist, Dr. Drevinstakeoff, professor of psychology at some particularly reknowned university, said, "Yes, I tend to agree with this theory.....(some unimportant words you don't really need to see were left out of this quote to save space)." Others have an even more startling explanation for the chicken phenomenon. Could there be a connection between chicken sightings and UFOs?. Here is the confession of one highly credible witness, "Yep, me and Bob saw this
chicken crossin' the road <burp> and yep of course we's seen a UFO <belch>." How do we explain this kind of first hand testimony? How come the government has ignored these questions for so long? Do they have something to hide? What about all those sightings of chickens near secret military bases? Does the idea of incredibly intelligent, road-crossing chickens peck away at the very foundation of our belief systems?
Date: 03-09-95 (13:14)
Subj: Why did the chicken cross the road?

I have also been studying the very important correlation to chicken, road, and u.f.o. and have discovered some important information that I think we as a people need to know. After I tell you this, you and all who read this must immediately kill this msg and tell NO ONE of what you have seen here today. Get this: First, the government has been performing top secret experiments on a certain breed of chicken...Norectus Meliphiladan...also known as The "Suicide Chicken". This chicken is a very rare species and is native to Istanbul (not Constantinople..?sp?) and this is the breed that originated the chicken crossing the road joke. It seems that a devout Englishman named Donald was staring out his window one day when he saw Norectus Meliphiladan walking in the middle of the street. He was quite surprised that a chicken had the balls to do this, and thought to himself, "Why the devil is that chicken crossing the street?". He took another drink of scotch and declared, "By George to get to the other side!" He laughed for a few minutes then sent it to Kellogs to put in a little joke booklet which would be placed in a box of cereal for the consumer to enjoy. Then suddenly, without warning, he died. That is the history of the joke. In addition, the government is covering up the entire chicken experimentation thing, so I actually have no proof or any knowledge of this event, however, I feel there must be something they are hiding, otherwise, they would come right out and say they are not involved with this top secret research. Not once have I heard them even acknowledge the existance of Norectus Meliphiladan, so it leads me to believe that it has something to do with outer space technology, as they are not acknowledging u.f.o.'s either.

Date: 03-12-95 (01:22)
Subj: Triple-coil manifest

Anybody out there lookin for a triple-coil manifest? I got one to align to almost any compatible single-coil, and the high-end ratio delivers a solid 27% increase overall. The problems with the dual-coil are now obsolete, as well as the "stuttering" problems introduced with the old triple-coil, as the manufacturing has been completely redesigned to accomodate the most complex of systematic parameters. The new triple-coil is a stand-alone system, and has been proven to outperform the small I-29 modules, with significant emphasis on the speed and performance of the old dual 353's, but accelerates the diptherium prefix to approximately 5000 g.e.d.'s. I hope NO ONE expects to see the BFG 2.0 come back into mainstream, as they are ill to the well being of the individual consumer. Some fatalities have been linked to such, and it would be a shame to see that product reintroduced into the marketplace. If you have any interest in establishing a good, solid foundation on which to build, I have 28 left. The price is reasonable, and who can put a price on your child's safety, as they count on you to deliver the safety of a bulldozer, as well as the comfort of a feather drifting into the bedroom on a cool summer night. Think about it, then email me at Smiley dot com, and I will answer any questions you might have about this outrageously low-priced safety device which will keep you safe from the pitfalls of anguish and/or despair for many years to come. Love, peace and liberty....Guy Smilin dude

Date: 04-25-95 (19:38)
Subj: Disscowntz
{{ Guy's Disscownt Impooreeuhm }}

Well, bidness is kinder slow, so I thawt I wood put anudder addvertizemint here fer my wares. If u nede enneetheng, u can reech me at Smiley dot com:

## Diss Weeks Speshells ##

** Slitelee used, bent nails (can b ezellee stratend wit a hammer and 2 by 4)
== only $14.21 a duzzen pluss taks ==

** Screwdriver wit handell missing (can rap tape around bare meddell to
prevent blissters)
== 2 fer $13.53 pluss taks ==

** And Guy's best-seller, SPLINTERWOOD (can b eezellee tranzformmed into
werld-class toothpiks) Now at a noo lo prise...
== $2.49 purr skware insh ==

Pleez bi mi wares. Kwalletty at Disscownt Prisses. Sail prisses gud throo Wenzda.

Date: 04-26-95 (10:46)

Mr. Com, please send send me 17 dozen of these fine nails; no taks, though, please... got plenty already. Please send 3 of the screwdrivers... do you have the tape also? Need about 29 rolls of it, please, sir. I have lived in Texas all my life, and I've been looking for quality SPLINTERWOOD for years! Is this the high grade stuff, or will I have to do a lot of chiseling on it to make it really good stuff? If it's the good stuff, please send me 2 square inches Use my PO no. PPS-0434-950426-98348-331144, and ship via "best way" ASAP. Thanks for posting the ad.... I was beginning to worry that I was going to have to shell out big bucks at Paymore Trashways... thanks for coming to the rescue. You don't have my address, so get it here the best way you know how.
þ MR/2 2.0 NR þ Escort GT - An oxymoron.


Date: 05-11-95 (23:30)
Subj: Fork or Spoon

Hi. Does anyone have a fork I can borrow? I'll give it right back after I perform a certain task that I am too proud to tell you about. It involves a dash of prying, accompanied by 2 cups of agony. I will rinse it off before it's returned to yer hand and mouth. Thank you for your fork. (a spoon is more painful, but okay if that's all you knives please) Guy outta dinnerware


To: GUY SMILEY **(Steve's note: From me to me!)**
Subj: Tired of you, bud

Mr. Smiley, I am tired of your messages. I am tired of your hokus-pokus. I am tired of your shenanigans. I am tired of your insults. I am tired of your "humor". I am tired of you jumping into the water without testing it first to see if you will create a wave of despair. I am tired of your post-apocalyptic death parade, with hot-air filled Bullwinkles and Underdogs that will explode at your command. I am tired of your smile. I am tired of your Sesame Street referenced handle. I am tired of your calling me up in the middle of the damn night to ask me "why I'm not asleep at this hour". I am tired of your hoodlum behavior. I am tired of you and I hope you find Christ someday besides saying that "I found Christ, and he was under my bed the whole damn time.." That is a direct quote from you, sir, and I do not think it is appropriate. Are you playing "hide and go seek" with Christ? Believe me, sir, that is NOT a game you want to play. Straighten up, Mr. Smiley, or you'll get your britches burned from the wrong end of a flaming torch in Hell, with Satan grinning as he pulls your shorts down. Orville Yokum, V.I.P.

Date: 05-12-95 (03:22)
Subj: Tired of you, bud

"Orville", While your composition truly evokes an eerily surreal sense of poetic metaphor, (I especially like the "hot-air filled Bullwinkles and Underdogs that will explode at your command" BRILLIANT!) I MUST protest Underdogs that will explode at your command" BRILLIANT!) I MUST protest Underdogs that will explode at your command" BRILLIANT!) I MUST protest the contradictory overall content of Eternal Damnation by our Blessed Saviour and your lack of forebearance commanded of you by aforementioned Saviour. As "Laughter does the heart good, as a medicine..", I personally see nothing objectionable in Senor Smiley's dementia. But then I'm me... (PS I like your cousin Dwight's music) Whistling in the Apocalypse....

Date: 05-12-95 (10:17)
Subj: 100 mhz penti ?
(Steve's note: reply to a msg from someone to "hotwire" a pentium for better performance -a serious question btw)
I have done this. First, you need to solder two jumper prongs together (I can send you the schematics later) then place a soft, single-layered 1 x 1" sheet of bathroom tissue under the pentium chip, to prevent the chip from "crying" into the motherboard. The final step is to reboot the computer as you invoke the seven angels of the fruit tree simultaneously, and offer a fresh fig as a sign of good faith. Some lightning may penetrate the walls of your dwelling at this time, but I have found it to be a simple diversion, maybe to keep your brain preoccupied while the angels slip into your computer and perform the
necessary adjustments to the setup programs, and insure that your Windows version will be able to decipher the encrypted symbols of their dimension

Yer Welcome.

Guy Smilin Dude


Date: 05-12-95 (13:48)
Subj: Lost Soul
(Steve's note: Once again, I am "Preacher" aka "Orville")
You sir are joining Mr. Smiley in his runaway sleigh ride to the bowels of Hell. You call yourself "Dawg". Is this the wilderbeast that growls at the end of Satan's leash? You are being manipulated by demons and evil forces, the likes of which your uneducated mind could not begin to conceive. You say "Laughter does the heart good..." -I beg (like a Dawg chasing his tail in the Devil's playground) to differ. Laughter is a temporary distraction from the seriousness and severity of the real world, and a lot of people walk upon the Earth "laughing" all the time. They do not take their lives seriously. They care not which end of the plate their peas are located. And thus, they never take the time to study the Good Book and repent their evil ways...why should they? They don't take religion seriously. Mr. Smiley is one of these fools, who, Lord help him, will be probed by the Devil's fiddlestick in Hell. If I were you, "Dawg", I would not accompany this blind fool on his journey, as I have tried to speak sense to Mr. Smiley, and all he seems to respond with are rude comments and childish, immature behavior joined with foul language. The Good Book says the Devil speaks with a foul tongue, and I believe that Mr. Smiley has proved himself to be one of pure, unadulterated evil. Save your soul, and keep away from the plague known as "Smiley". You stated that you see nothing wrong with Mr. Smiley's dementia. Dementia is madness and see nothing wrong with Mr. Smiley leaving rude and illogical messages on a public BBS trying to corrupt the minds of our innocent youth? I think Mr. Smiley should remember, as well as you, that your arms are just too short to box with God.
Orville Y.

Woe to the inhabiters of the earth and of the sea! for the devil is come down unto you, having great wrath, because he knoweth that he hath but a short time. -Revelation 12:12

Date: 05-12-95 (17:37)
Subj: Who's Lost Soul
I know that the Bible supossedly tells the way in which a person is to live. And some people believe that in their interpretation of the book is that they are going to "Heavan". So, if I understand things right, it's all pretty individual. Everyone knows what they do. In this American society I would go out on a limb and say that EVERYONE knows about Christianity. I don't undersatnd why some people feel that they have the NEED to tell another person what is going to happen to them after they die. Don't get me wrong. I think religion is great. I DO believe that it is 1) up the the indiviual person to make up his mind about his after life. (It's not MY job to FIX them.)I personally feel that there should be a medium. I have rarely met a person who thought laughter is bad. Then again, some things are serious, and some are not. I think something that has to be realized by some is that differant things are a serious subject to DIFFERANT people. And, once again, I think that is okay. I dislike bland people. And the diversity of the U.S. is one of the many things I love. (Including the Freedom of Religion in Ammendment 1) Now, the subject of "Mr. Smiley", I have not personally met this man. I have CHATted with him briefly. Yet, I know that I can not judge this man. (Then again, who I am to judge. I'm not God. And as far as I know, he is in the Heavans, not walking on Earth judging men.) I know this subject does not involve me; however, I thought I just might give my thoughts. Thank you for spending the time to read my mail.Spirit the Frog Princess
Date: 05-12-95 (14:22)
To: PREACHER OR ORVILLE From: GUY SMILEY**(Steve's note: from me to me!)**
Subj: Handle
Hey Orville Preacher Guy, Why you keep changin yer handle? I tawt it was Lucifer dat had da
many disguises.Love,

Guy Smilin Dude

P.S.- Call me (winkie winkie)

Date: 05-12-95 (19:58)
From: DAWG
Subj: Lost Soul
Father "Orville Smiley",
Either you are not who or what you pretend to be, or you are seriously disturbed and confused. The Old Testament had a very specific (and I think apt) punishment for False Prophets. Look it up...That's all I have to say about that.... (I tire of this line of
correspondence, and I kinda think of myself as a Cacodemon, thank you.)
Date: 05-12-95 (21:35)
Subj: Lost Soul
Dawg! "Orville Smiley"???!!! Please do not associate my handle with this bible-thumpin maniac! I am a maniac, but I leave my bible dormant in a box in the thumpin here! Thanks!

Guy Smilin Dude!!!


Date: 05-13-95 (22:13)
Subj: Doomed Dawg

Tanx fer yer help on dat der Doom stuff. Yer a perty kewl ole Dawg. I will still kill ye someday, tho. HA!

Guy der Smilin Doodstein


Date: 05-17-95 (21:29)
Subj: Misrepresentations
Helium soundin as friggin nuts as I am! Weird, wild stuff!
Date: 05-17-95 (21:42)
Subj: Misrepresentations
Guy Smiley,
You are one crazy nut. I am trying to figure out what to make of you. You seem to have been mixed up in this whole affair since the beginning and I'm not positive that you have really meant to be <g>. I would like to chat with you some time if you are still willing to trust me enough for that after all of the garbage messages that have been going around about others using my handle and such. Anyway, let me hear back from you in some way some time. Usually I am a nut. Tonight though I really am not in a smiley mood <g> (Pun but no offense intended.).
Helium Oxide
Date: 05-18-95 (20:55)
Subj: Misrepresentations

Da more garbage peeples writes about ye, da least it gives me da sense dat I am not all alone! Join da friggin club, Helio! (and please enjoy to da fullest!) Hardy Har Ha! I will chat with any bastard any day of da friggin week, because (sob sob) I am a REAL friggin bastard! But peeples love ta hate me! Day kinder need someone ta spit on sometimes, and I got my mouth wide open (fer der spittle- no gay stuff, you homosexual bastard) Eat shit and rot in Hell,

Luv, Pees, and Homony

Guy Der B Da Smilin Dude


Date: 05-21-95 (02:01)
Subj: abominations and cylindrical obspherus destinations
Has anyone noticed that the further the earth moves from the omniscope, the less we feel as humans to exist? Just remember that the moment we're born, we're dying, and that we came from nothing, and we are going to return to nothing, so what do we have to lose? Nothing...Long live the Tokemaster and his many challenges that confront you as a society of sweet-tooths. John Jacob Jingleheimer Scmidt..his name is my name too..and whenever we go out, the people always shout...John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt. The less you have, the less you need to worry about having less... The more you have, the more you can step on the honest tax-paying citizens of the United States of America, who can't cheat on their taxes or drink a beer in public without getting their pants pulled down and spanked on their ass by the iron fist that rules the heirarchy that renounces freedom, and dictates ill leadership in a modernized fraternity known as the government. Suffer unto the dollar bill, little ones, for this is your God. As long as Mr. Bill is running yer cuntry, you have nothing to look forward to except that which you can scrounge-up fer yerself. Good luck, and they all are laughing at yer pitiful attempts to make a good life outta yer existance.
Long live the Resistance.

Details to follow...

Sgt Guy Smuelette~ III, 2nd Version Dos Implications exist...

(c) 1995 Similar Bastards Outta-Line, Inc.


Date: 05-21-95 (14:12)
Subj: I'm sorry
To all who were at the GTG, and to one who was not...I am sorry about the way I acted last nite. I was upset about something I should not have been, and was rude to all of you. I wish there was some way I could make it up to you all, and especially to you Laurie.
David Fuller
Date: 05-21-95 (14:36)
Subj: I'm sorry also
To all who was at the GTG last night, and to the peeple who live across the way from me, I must apologize fer my rude and immature behavior Though I was not at the GTG, I WAS thinkin rude thoughts about some of you, and for this I am truly sorry. I cannot guarantee that it will never happen again, but I can promise you that I will confess each and every time I have these thoughts, thus lettin you know what a bad boy I have been, and that I am in need of a spankin, mommy. I wish there was sumthin I could do to make it up to you, but I feel like there would be a lot of gay peeple requestin sexual acts from me if I made such an offer, and I am not gay, so basically, forget it. Please fergive me fer what I have wrote and what I have thought. Guy b der frugal gourmet da Smoilerrette~ II
Date: 05-21-95 (16:18)
Subj: I'm sorry also

My, my, my! You sure have been a BAD boy! Have you forgotton what I do to bad boys? Maybe the last time was not harsh enough. This time I will not listen to your pleas or your promises to behave. Its too late for that! When I get thru with you Mister, you will NEVER be bad again. Pull down your britches and end over. Prepare for the spanking you deserve!


Date: 05-22-95 (21:09)
Subj: Chocolicious

How come the chocolicious thimble always rotate near da bottom of da box? Seems would improve product quality if the chocolicious thimble hovered near da top seal of da box...Maybe it's just's you just won't admit itGuy ber da Constipotato Longfellow IV, 3rd obstruction

Chippers Gore to ye


Date: 05-23-95 (16:23)
Subj: Internet Question (Steve's note: Reply to serious msg about the best comm program -
"Terminal" is a piece of crap that comes w/ Windows)

I prefer to use "Terminal" as my comm program of choice. It is quite user-friendly, and the options are endless. You literally can use your imagination to make it do anything you want. Since it comes with Windows, you don't have to go through the trouble of pullin yer pants back up and drivin 2 hours to the local "Ace Electronic Gadgets and Gizmos" store to have them order Procomm or any of these other new-fangled software pkgs, wait 4-6 weeks for it to be delivered, then pay the surcharge of $9.99 for special ordering, and finally come home only to find out that Mr. Ace accidently ordered "Terminal" instead of Procomm anyway. You woulda saved yerself a lot of trouble if you woulda stuck with Terminal in the first place. But no...don't listen to a Smilin Guy with his pants pulled down tryin to give you advice.
Guy bre der Snigloite~ Folsomnasity (TM)


Date: 05-24-95 (19:36)
To: ALL From: DAWG
Subj: whoami
Who the hell am I?! Woke up this morning, didn't have a damn clue! Somebody help.....
Date: 05-24-95 (19:36)
Subj: Help you need man!

Dawger! (stimpyish:) Wake up man! You got to snap out of it man! I can help you. Here is a .Wav file that will help you..large file, but is worth it...remember me? It's Guy! Remember? The Guy you can always rely on!

Attached File: DAWG.ZIP Size: 3,620,387 (Steve's note: .wav file is Dr.
Demento's "My name is not Merv Griffin")


Date: 05-25-95 (11:32)
Subj: Mail Door Packets
HELP!! Does anyone know how to set up the mail door to NOT receive file attachments sent to others? I get all my mail through the mail door via Robocomm, and when there's a file attachment (e.g., there's one today that is over 3 megs to someone), I receive it. Are there any mail door gurus out there (Uncle Meat??) that know how to turn off this "feature"? <G>
Date: 05-25-95 (11:55)
Subj: Mail Door Packets Steve's note: "My name is not Merv Griffin" was over 3 megs long....with 9600 baud, over 3 hours to d/l!)
Unfortunately, you can't turn this 'feature' off in this version of Cam-Mail. Cam-Mail Gold will (I believe) allow it, but failing the arrival of that version of the mail-door, it might be best for people who are leaving 'attachments' to leave them PRIVATE, or RECIEVER ONLY.
Date: 05-25-95 (14:44)
Subj: Mail
I happen to believe as a delusional psychopath that the attachments that are left for one person are sometimes enjoyed by a lot of peeples. It not only is a hobby of mine to read other peeple's mail, but an obsession, and I wish there were no way to make ANY mail private, as I enjoy gettin into other peeple's business. As fer yer comm program,I suggest using my comm program of choice, as well as's called "Terminal" and it comes with Windows, and I find the features much more advanced than any comm program on the market today. This superior comm program WILL NOT automatically download attached files to msgs. If you need any more help, just let me know.
Yer Welcum. Guy Gerber los dos Colonpiume~ IV, Federal Investigations

Attached File: HELP.LOG Size: 268

(Steve's note: The "attached file" (above) was a txt file calling
him an a-hole or something)

Date: 05-26-95 (00:05)
Subj: MAIL
Hey, Smilin' Dude.... I, too like to read other messages <G> However, a 4 meg attachment makes a 45 min d/l out of a mail packet that normally takes 2 mins :( ... just thought you might like to know.. :-)
Date: 05-26-95 (16:36)
Subj: Mail
Hi, Channing. I strongly recommend NOT downloading mail packets, because:

1) You may end up downloading a file attachment that could be up to 4 megs large! (and by the way, Channing, what speed you got yer modem set to? 9600? Takes me 2 minutes per meg TOPS, and that's when there's a lot of line noise!
Channing, they also have COLOR monitors nowadays! Jeez!)

2) If yer too busy to read yer mail while yer here online, slow down, whiz kid!

3) If you want to save yer mail fer memories, get a friggin life, Poindexter!

And finally, the last reason I strongly recommend NOT downloading mail packets:

4) A lot of BBS's must have a ground wire stuck in the earth to prevent users from being electrocuted via keyboard sparks when logging on to a BBS. I have heard tales that the ground wire may actually receive signals from the dead, and cross lines with a normal BBS line, sending the signal to the BBS Hard Drive, where the signal is translated from electronic signal to word, just the same as the computer translates a keyboard signal. The resulting message is usually a bunch of garbage, however, responding to one of these messages could cause a rift through time and space, thus causing an outer-dimensional being to force its way into our world and swallow your soul.

Goikum der Smelfish da toid (III) it cold in here er is it just me?

Date: 05-26-95 (18:23)
Subj: Mail
Sorry to be reading your mail, but I was wondering what kind of modem you are using to d/l at 2 min. per meg? Seems to me that even a 28,800 should take 4 - 5 min per meg. Just curious, because if that is accurate, I'm sure doing something wrong.
Date: 05-26-95 (21:03)
Subj: Mail

I am using the 50,750 from Quantum Physics, Inc...right now retails fer $450.00, and is a stand-alone unit. Got dual exhaust and
triple-polished helium-alloy headers, bypass via external "vomit" tubing to prevent mercury spill...soon to revolutionize the way the universe communicates,...already used in transfer of major motion pictures to independent distributors. Test product..not in mainstream America now...testing to continue in Japan and far, no bugs, except slight "crying" noise when downloading 200 megs or greater....some small smoke excretion...Guy Barbarillo...tweek

Date: 05-26-95 (21:44)
Subj: MAIL
9600?! Damn!!! When did they start making 'em that fast? My acoustical coupler running at 50 bps suits me just fine. 2 mins? Awwww...... no way!! Really?!
(Steve's note: This is my registry accessable to all on the BBS)...
The following Registry services are available:

G ... General information
D ... Directory of users in Registry
("D!" to start at the beginning)
Y ... Edit YOUR entry
L ... Look-up another user's entry

Select an option (G,D,Y,L,X, or ? for menu): l

Enter User-ID to look-up or X to exit: Guy smiley

Ok, here's the info for Guy Smiley...

Full Name ....... Guy Pee Smiley
Aliases ......... Louis Pumpernickle
City/State ...... State= Drunken
Age ............. Doesn't matter Sex ............ 12"
Occupation ...... Mass Grave Bulldozin Martial Status . Blackbelt (martial?)
E-Mail Addresses:
Education ....... Huh? Hometown ....... The Hood
Children ........ piss me off Fav Movie ...... Nunzio(about retard)
Fav Music ....... Hard Rock Fav Food ....... Bile
Fav Sport ....... Disembowelment Fav TV Show .... Life Goes On
Term ............ Life w/o Parole BBS owned ...... Silly Willy's
Other Adresses .. Sir, Mr. Smiley, Friggin Jerk, A-Hole
BBSs used ....... Poopdeck Pappy's, Jobe Sutherland's Sex Hole
Likes ........... I enjoy movies and t.v. shows about the mentally retarded.
Dislikes ........ OK..Where the hell you want me to begin?
Hobbies ......... Smoking crack on a warm summer's night
Physical Desc ... 7'8" red-haired Chinaman w/nipple rings & hook fer hand
General Info .... Guy Pee Smiley Summary: I know who you are & I saw what you did

Date: Tuesday, June 20, 1995 1:15pm
From: D'Devil To: Guy Smiley
Re: Thanks
Guy!!! It takes an awful clever and sharp mind to dream up the things you've managed to concoct, and some would venture to say that thar's real talent amongst them pages of otherwise senseless gibberish. And, in all honesty, it's the ones that go out of their way to be REMEMBERED that DO get remembered. You have a knack for striking non-harmoneous chords
now and then, but it's apparent that that's not all yer capable of. If ya take the opportunity to funnel the talents in the right directions, you could go places (heck, you could already be for all I know). Always been curious about that which makes GS tick.



Date: Saturday, June 10, 1995 12:23am
From: Guy Smiley To: ** ALL **
Re: big brudder back

As some of you might have noticed, and some of you may not have (though sub-conciously it has registered even in yer brains), I have evolved into the new AH BBS system, thanks to the Sysop Gods, who I am very dear friends with. (Privie note to Sysop: Please ignore the last comment- I am just trying to make it sound like I know you and have some kinda inside pull. (no gay stuff) Also, please delete this privie note to you so the others don't know that I am lying to them. Thank you.)
I have come back because:

5) I had to check out the new sys
4) To stifle the cries and wimpers of the peeples I used to chat with...they interfere with me brainwaves on channel 17
3) I only had a month sub left from the old sys, and figgered..what da hell..I may as well try to piss off some more peeples to add to my decapitated head collection
2) I wanted to confuse meself silly with the new sys, for my own personal pain/pleasure threshold. I can't figger out these new-fangled computerized gadgets and gizmos
And the #1 reason I came back:

Lou Ferrigno ran out of cotton swabs.

(applause) (applause)

Amazin and thank you.

Verbose Guy Squirrely and his wanderin band of thugs


Date: Thursday, June 8, 1995 11:09pm
From: Guy Smiley To: ** ALL **
Re: gwar (Steve's note: At this point, I was getting Really bored w/ this stuff...!)

Hello. I am a new user to this BBS, and I am quite stupid. Can anyone tell me what to do when I want to? Can someone hold my hand and walk me through the promised land? Can somebody (somebody) somebody (somebody) find me somebody to love? Can you beat a wooden cat with a stick? Will it feel the pain er will it suffer an inexplicable Hell of its own? Will the smell of nail polish kill the bugs within the jar you are holding them captive? Will the president of the United States of America begin to charge the streetwalkers for rent under his Federally constructed gymnasium? Will there ever be an answer to the problem of clippin yer toenails and tryin to collect them off the damn carpet? I suppose if you clipped the toenails in front of the president of the United States of America, you would be charged for his holiness to watch by the second, as much as $59,635.03. And then he would want you to supply your own food for his consumption. Then he might excrete a small amount of spittle upon your favorite tie, so everytime you wear that tie, you would smell his spittle. I think these might be some ideas of which you could ponder, and construct small discussion groups amongst yerselves to try and come up with some reasonable solutions, for I am fed up...Yes I am...with this and that and all the underground red-tape in the bush...I guess the bush part isn't bad, but the red-tape needs to be extracted like a cancerous wart in the nasal passage of those who do, and those who feel they would rather not. Thank you. Andy Rooney V.I.P.


Date: Sunday, June 11, 1995 1:27am
From: Guy Smiley To: ** ALL **
Re: Welcome Back
Welcome to Welcome Back Smiley....

Welcome back.
Your dreams were your ticket out.
Welcome back.
To that same old place that you laughed about.
Well the names have all changed since you hung around.
But those dreams have remained and they've turned around.
Who'da thought they'd lead ya
(who'da thought they'd lead ya)
Back here where we need ya
(back here where we need ya)
Ya..I tease you a lot cuz I got you on the spot.
Welcome back.
Welcome back, Welcome back, Welcome back.
Welcome back, Welcome back, Wel-come-ba-ck...

Welcome back, Guy Smilin Dude..we all love you and need you to comfort us in
our desperate times of need.

The Chatters of Grenwich


Date: Sunday, June 11, 1995 1:28am
From: Guy Smiley To: ** ALL **
Re: Figs
Figs are wonderful
Figs are fruit
Figs live in your soul

Figs are here
Figs are there
Figs are in your blood

Figs squeeze cheese
Figs drip gore
Figs rule your mind

Figs are dancing
Figs romancing
Figs are your future

Figs smell good
Figs taste well
Figs put on a show

Figs don't care
If no one's there
To enjoy their fireworks show

Figs got the keys
to your company car
Figs gonna take advantage

Figs grab the last beer in the fridge
Figs drink it in front of you
while you tell Figs how great it is

Figs take your shopping list
and Figs put it through the shredder
Figs laugh and take your coupons too

Figs call your house late at night
and ask why you are awake at this hour

Figs put super glue on your toilet seat
and videotape your sticky butt
trying to get up from the porcelain

Figs steal your mail and replace it
with their own versions of
what they think you ought to be receiving

Amazin and Thank you.

Guy Smerlette~ the 1st and only


Date: Saturday, June 10, 1995 8:31pm
From: Randy Edington To: ** ALL **
Re: Baby names
Help!!! Brother and Sister in law are expecting a baby in September. We would really enjoy some suggestions for a name for the baby. They are looking for something unique and different. But not too different. Please nothing to "cutsie",this is a serious request. By the way, the baby is a girl.
Thanks in advance,
Aunt and Uncle
Date: Sunday, June 11, 1995 10:05pm
From: Guy Smiley To: Randy Edington
Re: Baby names
Name da kid Latisha er Sincolyptamint er Venisha er Bemanche

Yer Welcum

Gesture Fester Smoilette~


Date: Thursday, June 15, 1995 9:57pm
From: Guy Smiley To: ** ALL **
Re: Flimbone
Guy Smiley's Firechat Theater presents...

>>> The Amazing Flimbone <<<
~~~ ~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~
* Brought to you by Pancho's Roach Villa, just under the viaduct on the south-east corner of Espanol and Selena...Los Eatos Mucho Suave~

Today's story opens with a scene of a crapload of tree stumps, as far as the human eye can possibly focus. A young Flimbone stands short, contemplating the landscape, as if some kind of evil calliope music were dancin in his brain. And one single thought enters his mindscape..the words "my terrior's less tenacious.." He picks a fully-decayed shrimp shell from his bicuspid as he gropes at his crotch. "Ayep..this is the spot to begin my journey, for today is forever and tomorrow nay cometh.", so spaketh the unbecomin Flimbone. "Twice have I pondered the challenge, and once have I been distraught, but nay further, for I shall furrow this great land with me own hand and a porta-potty." So the Amazing Flimbone went back to his adobe hut and put on his work sandals. He also took a shit, but I chose to leave that part out of the tale. As he walked back out into the vast tree stump jungle, a tiny gnat attached itself to his upper lip. Acting quickly, the Amazing Flimbone spit and sent the gnat whirling through the air. The spittle landed some ten paces away on the adobe breakfast nook. Flimbone walked over to wipe the spittle up with the palm of his hand when he noticed the gnat struggling to free itself from the green bubble of mucus. As he stared at this dramatic work, he heard a tiny voice say "Help me!" "Help me?", Flimbone muttered to himself. "Help me?" "Yes, help me ye friggin bastard!", uttered the relentless cry of the tiny insect form. "Help you what?", questioned the astonished Flimbone. "Help me break this mucus bubble so I may be set free.", replied the entrapped, helpless mite. "The truth will set you free, my tiny friend.", stated Flimbone. And with that, the Amazin Flimbone slammed his fist upon the spittle, sending the small speaking gnat into its white-tunnels and kaleidoscopes of the afterlife, thus giving the gnat the freedom he really deserved, for it was THAT which the gnat truly requested under its utters and moans. This was realized by the Amazing Flimbone, and that's how the Amazing Flimbone got his name...not fer the self-righteous acts of purifyin the land of tree stumps. And so it was written and so it was wrote. Stay tuned fer the World Wrestling Federation...the WWF..

"You bored? SLIP INTO A SLIM JIM!"

Yer Welcum.

(c) 1995 Guy Smelber Pod

$ Chippers Gore and Pees on Earth to ye $


Date: Wednesday, July 5, 1995 1:22pm
From: Channing Prothro To: GUY SMILEY
Re: computer problems..
Help, GS.. I'm having computer problems, and was wondering if you could help me out. I _know_ this is not the right conference, but there is no computer conference yet... so here goes... I'll try to be as specific as possible, cause I know computer problems can be tricky. First off, I don't have the slightest idea what kind of machine, CPU, etc. I have... it just doesn't seem to do what I want it to. Like when I first boot up, I would rather play DOOM, but it goes to some game called dos... it's really a stupid game, I don't recommend it at all! One of the other games it boots up in is called os/2... it's a little
better than dos, but still a little boring.. still not DOOM!!! Got any suggestions on what to do to rectumfy this problem??TIA
Date: Wednesday, July 5, 1995 7:08pm
From: Guy Smiley To: Channing Prothro
Re: computer problems..
Ho ho ho. Pardon me, Channing. I am not laughin at ye..this just brings back memories of when I bought MY first computer. I didn't know a quasar from a quasiparticle. "CPU" stands for CrePitatUs, and is directly related to how much noise your computer makes when you boot it. It is not really important until you want to sneak a peek at sum of them dirties late at night w/o wakin anybody up. I am unsure of this "dos" game. My computer goes to something called "C:\>". I haven't tried to play it, but sometimes I get lonely and type dirty words with it. I think it is some kinda what they call "Werd Prossesser". To play DOOM, you have to call a phone number they give you if you bought the game. They will give you a passwerd you have to type to start the game. It is a very simple passwerd, and this is really not much copyright protection, but they probably figgered it was so simple that no one would ever figger it out. Either that er they didn't wanna ferget it. As for os/2, I think that is the game "the Wizard of Oz, part two". I read somewhere that they would be buildin that into the newer models. I am always amused at the complete ignorance of a person who has just bought a computer, and doesn't know how to use it, er even what they bought it for. I am not sayin YER stupid, Channing, just that peeple LIKE you are stupid. I hope this was of some help to you. Computer Whiz Kid,

Guy Schwa Schmiltzenheimer Schmidt

Date: Wednesday, July 5, 1995 10:54pm
From: Channing Prothro To: GUY SMILEY
Re: computer problems..
WOW!! Thanks a mil... I tried to find "CPU" in my 5 year old daughter's dictionary, but couldn't.. prolly would never have found it! "dirties"? What are those... where can I get them? How many am I allowed to possess at one time? Can you mail me some? I want them! I saw that once on my computer, but ever since I played the game called "autoexec.bat", I seem to have lost that one... now I've got a new one called C> ...??? are ya saying that we're supposed to _pay_ for DOOM?! Do they include the password to end the game... I really don't want to start something I can't finish (or at least quit whenever I want to). ahh... I just did a del *.* on the os/2 petition. I always hated the part when Dorothy saw the flying monkeys. errr... thanks... I haven't the slightest idea why I bought this machine.. just think about all the fun I could be having doing... uhhh... errrr... hmmm... You wouldn't _believe_ the help you've been!!! Thanks again!! C